Keyzee the Blueberry



I am now a little over 23 weeks pregnant.  We had an ultrasound and after a little pressure from my kids, mother, and husband, we decided to find out that we are having our fourth BOY!  It sounds crazy to me to think that I have four children.  Part of me doesn’t feel old enough to have that many children!  After we found out we were having a boy I asked Carson, who is three, what he thought we should name his little brother.  His answer, “Keyzee the Blueberry is a good name,” and so from now till the baby is born and gets his real name we call him Keyzee.

The ultrasound was hard.  They put me in the same room as they did for Cohen’s first ultrasound which brought back memories.  Then of course that had to ask all the mandatory questions:

“Is this your third pregnancy?”

“No, this is my fourth.”

“Oh, do you have three other children?”

“Yes, but one died.”

“But he was born alive?”

“No, he was stillborn at 38 weeks with no answers as to why.”

“Stillborn at 30 weeks?”

“No, 38 weeks.”

“Oh!  I’m sorry.”

We took the boys with us to the ultrasound and Cole wanted to answer all these questions for me.  When she asked about how many pregnancies he piped up and said, “This is our fourth pregnancy.  We have three boys.”  Hearing the word pregnancy come out of my five-year old’s mouth sounded funny!

After we finally got done the questions she started the ultrasound.  It took a little over 2 hours.  I was ok for the first hour.  Then they made me get up to go to the bathroom to see if the baby would move.  I came back and laid back down and she started looking again.  I noticed she was very focused on his heart and this made me so nervous.  After about an hour and 10 minutes, Keyzee finally moved so that we could see that he was a boy.  Cole was not happy at all!  He wanted a sister.  As soon as I told him we were having another boy he shouted, “Why are we having another BOY?  We already have enough boys!  Girls are better than boys!  Why does this baby have a penis?!!”  He soon settled down and is now happy to be having another brother.

After we found out we were having a boy, Crist took Cole and Carson out of the room since they had already been there so long.  After they left they called in another person to see if they could get pictures of the heart.  At this point I started to panic a little!  They took some pictures and told me to go ahead and get ready to go.  I did, but then they came back in and told me that they still hadn’t gotten all the pictures they needed.  As I lay back on the table again all I could think was, I cannot do this again, I cannot carry another baby only to have it die because of a heart problem, I can’t do it.  I kept asking if everything was ok and they wouldn’t really answer me.  Crist came back in with the boys because he was getting worried too.  After what seemed forever the tech looked at me and saw that I was crying.  Then she finally said that everything does look fine but the baby wouldn’t move so they could get the one picture they needed.

I left there desperately needing a nap and not fully convinced that everything was ok.

I got a call from my doctor’s office a week later saying that everything looked good which was a huge relief!

I have been worried throughout this pregnancy I have been worried about how I would feel if we found out what we were having.  I would still like to have a girl but at the same time I felt that if I were having a girl now I would feel guilty.  Guilty because Cohen was going to be our last child and that he had to die so I could get a girl.  Guilty because I so desperately wanted Cohen to be a girl but in the end it really didn’t matter.  I was worried that I would still feel a little disappointed if I found out I was having a boy, even though in the end all I really want is an alive healthy baby.  I was not disappointed when I found out I was having a boy, only a little sad that I wouldn’t get to buy new clothes because I already have a ton of boy clothes.

I think once Keyzee is born it will be really hard partly because he is a boy.  It would be hard if he was a girl too but in some ways this seems harder.

It really hit hard once we found out that we were having another boy that I would never get to have a picture of all four of my boys together.  Would never get to see the four of them play sports, wrestle, or even fight together.

Seeing our baby on the ultrasound made it more real that yes we are going to have another baby but that baby would never get to hold or love Cohen.  Keyzee will know Cohen through us but not in the same way that Cole and Carson got to hold and touch him.  It just really reminded me that our family will never really be whole again here on earth.

It is still really hard.  I try not to get too excited but at the same time I am so excited.  I know that there is a chance that I might not get to bring Keyzee home either and that just about kills me to think about.  I want my baby.  I want to bring him home.  I want to hear him cry.  See him smile.

I love my little Keyzee the Blueberry and I am hoping that in 17 weeks (or less) we get to bring our little man home.


3 comments on “Keyzee the Blueberry

  1. Bekah Peiffer says:

    thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings as you continue on this journey, Kristen. i’m excited to meet Keyzee in a few short months!

  2. Emily says:

    Thanks for sharing your heart Kristen! You are such a soulful writer. I think finding out that this little one is a boy was the right call. You can prepare your heart a little. I am so excited to meet him and see the boys take care of a new little baby. Thanks for sharing!

  3. Congrats! Somehow I didn’t see this or your previous posts until now. I’m pregnant and due just a few days after you.

    I know the feelings that you are talking about….it’s so hard to NOT worry and to just trust and rest. I always say that once you lose a baby you just don’t have that innocent excitement that you did before when you are pregnant, which feels sad to me. With Sophia, our daughter that was born after our little girl that died, I had a hard time allowing myself to get too excited during my pregnancy. And even after she was born I felt myself holding back for the first couple of weeks because I was just sure something would happen to her. But nothing did and she has brought so much joy and healing to us.

    Hope all continues to go well for you!

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