Pregnant with Baby #4

How we announced this pregnancy!  We put this picture on Facebook with the caption, "I've got a bun in the oven.  It should be done cooking on February 1, 2014!"

How we announced this pregnancy! We put this picture on Facebook with the caption, “I’ve got a bun in the oven. It should be done cooking on February 1, 2014!”

I am 15 and a half weeks pregnant with Beiler baby #4. 

What an emotional 15 and a half weeks (I guess technically it has only been an emotion 11 weeks since I was already 4 weeks along before we knew I was pregnant).

We when found out my husband and I talked for a long time about when and how we would tell people.  It wasn’t like we could wait till I made it past the point I was with Cohen before announcing the news.  I always was the one that wanted to tell right away but this time was different.  Part of me wanted to tell everyone, but a larger part of me wanted to keep quiet.  We ended up waiting until I was almost 12 weeks (which is about 12 weeks longer than we waited with the other three) and had heard the heartbeat at the doctors office.

It wasn’t that I wasn’t excited because I was and I still am.  But it was a different excitement.  An excitement for what could possibly be.  When I found out I was pregnant with my other three boys and after we heard the heartbeat, I assumed that at the end of 9 months I would bring home a baby.  I didn’t know that you could be perfectly healthy with a perfectly healthy baby and still come home without your baby.  The thought never occurred to me.  Yes, I knew there could be complications and things could go wrong but I didn’t know a perfect pregnancy could end so badly.

So with this pregnancy I am more reserved.  I hold back my excitement.  I try not to feel too much.  Do I want this baby?  Yes, more than anything.  But I’m just not convinced that I am going to bring this baby home.  I am almost waiting for something bad to happen.  To go to the doctor and have him say he can’t find a heartbeat. 

It is hard to explain to people.  People who think that I should just be absolutely thrilled that I am pregnant again and that it will help me “get over” Cohen.  I am thrilled, please don’t get me wrong, I am.  But I am also scared.

Very very scared. 

Scared that I am going to carry this baby for 9 months and not be able to bring him or her home.

I love this baby.  I want this baby to know that I love him or her, so much.  I love this baby but I am so scared.  When I think about going through what we did with Cohen again I literally feel sick.  I start to panic.

In the next week or so I should be able to feel this baby move.  This terrifies me.  I know in the beginning it is normal to feel the baby move one day and not the next but it just seems so scary.  How will I know if it is just normal or if the baby has died?  I won’t and that scares me.

I feel guilty.  Guilty because if Cohen were here we would not be having this baby (at least not on purpose).  Guilty for not letting myself be fully and 100% excited. 

I feel myself withdrawing from my friends because it is just easier for me to be by myself.  Then to try to explain everything I am feeling, especially when this is supposed to be one of the happiest times in a woman’s life.  Easier for me but probably not very good for me.

These past few weeks have been filled with tears.  So many tears.  There have been happy tears for the new life inside of me and there have been sad tears for my sweet baby boy that I miss so so much.

It has been an emotional 15 weeks.

 

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7 comments on “Pregnant with Baby #4

  1. Sheryl says:

    Oh my friend….. As someone who understand what it is like to be pregnant after losing a child, know that what you are feeling is normal….. All the feelings if guilt, sadness, joy, guilt,the withdraw, the ups/downs, the guilt. ( this is the one I struggled with so much and still do)…… All I can say is one day at a time…… Love you

  2. armymomky says:

    Very happy for you Kristi! I completely understand your reservations on being excited/telling people, etc. I pray that this pregnancy will end happily for all of you! 🙂

  3. Amy says:

    I can totally believe the crazy emotions. That sounds like the normal reaction after losing Cohen. I think you are brave going through pregnancy again. Is it weird to say I’m proud of you? I pray God’s peace will cover you in those times of fear and anxiety.

  4. Debbie Green says:

    I completely understand what you are feeling. After Jacob died, we had Joshua. I was very reserved with my feelings for him. He ended up being born 6 weeks early- and hospitalized. Even when he came home I was worried something would happen and he would leave me…. I had a wall up…. This made me sad… Now I can tell you – Joshua is 7 years old and very healthy! Loosing Jacob has made me appreciate Joshua that much more. I had to make the decision to be happy – you will to. It just takes time. Jacob was stillborn on my birthday. It took me 6 years to be able to celebrate my birthday… Time heals everything…

  5. Pearl Lapp says:

    My wish to become pregnant at least one time was never filled. Sad. Tears. “God bottles our tears” -Bible. , He knows when we hurt. Disappointment. However I knew (know) that God is the Blessed Controller of ALL things!!!. He knows what is best for me. I can’t handle it but I KNOW He CAN. Who does guilt come from? I do not want to give in to the accuser. Who does PEACE come from? I want to surrender my everything to HIM and therefore Peace came to me. And Joy. And Jesus has blessed us twice with two wonderful, precious children through adoption. “Not my Will but your will, O Lord” was the way that I learned to rejoice, be of good cheer, be joyful, trust and obey. “Let every thought be In captivity to Christ” I grew up being a very nervous, shy, fearful, angry person. But Jesus changed me. Glory and Honor and Praise to His Name. The song says, “I Surrender All” Thanks for sharing your thoughts and fears. Keep looking up. God is looking down. Give this new baby lots of joy and gladness. He can feel your emotions now. You are a very good wife and mother. God is giving you another privilege. I love the creativity and time and crafts and fun you do with your boys. Gives them a good foundation. Come sit on my back porch with me sometime. Much Love, Pearl

  6. I love you. I am so proud of you, and your host of emotions makes sense with all you have explained so far laid out for us to read. Yesterday I was battling some feelings and I thought….Kristen would be able to help me. You weren’t hear, and I went for a run. That helped too.

  7. Olivia says:

    Congratulations! You are so normal in your feelings, and my heart is happy for your new journey, though it won’t be easy. My anxiety during my pregnancy and during my daughter’s early months following my stillborn daughter is, I am quite certain, legendary. I’m sure there are notes I never want to read in my chart at the OB/GYN’s office because of it. That being said, I asked my OB for “heartbeat checks” — just a nurse visit when I needed reassurance, to come in and have the heartbeat monitored, and when I reached 28 weeks, they started doing non-stress tests at least once a week to help alleviate the stress and anxiety. If you ask, they’ll probably oblige you, as well. Best wishes and blessings to you on your new adventure!

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