Pregnant with Baby #4

How we announced this pregnancy!  We put this picture on Facebook with the caption, "I've got a bun in the oven.  It should be done cooking on February 1, 2014!"

How we announced this pregnancy! We put this picture on Facebook with the caption, “I’ve got a bun in the oven. It should be done cooking on February 1, 2014!”

I am 15 and a half weeks pregnant with Beiler baby #4. 

What an emotional 15 and a half weeks (I guess technically it has only been an emotion 11 weeks since I was already 4 weeks along before we knew I was pregnant).

We when found out my husband and I talked for a long time about when and how we would tell people.  It wasn’t like we could wait till I made it past the point I was with Cohen before announcing the news.  I always was the one that wanted to tell right away but this time was different.  Part of me wanted to tell everyone, but a larger part of me wanted to keep quiet.  We ended up waiting until I was almost 12 weeks (which is about 12 weeks longer than we waited with the other three) and had heard the heartbeat at the doctors office.

It wasn’t that I wasn’t excited because I was and I still am.  But it was a different excitement.  An excitement for what could possibly be.  When I found out I was pregnant with my other three boys and after we heard the heartbeat, I assumed that at the end of 9 months I would bring home a baby.  I didn’t know that you could be perfectly healthy with a perfectly healthy baby and still come home without your baby.  The thought never occurred to me.  Yes, I knew there could be complications and things could go wrong but I didn’t know a perfect pregnancy could end so badly.

So with this pregnancy I am more reserved.  I hold back my excitement.  I try not to feel too much.  Do I want this baby?  Yes, more than anything.  But I’m just not convinced that I am going to bring this baby home.  I am almost waiting for something bad to happen.  To go to the doctor and have him say he can’t find a heartbeat. 

It is hard to explain to people.  People who think that I should just be absolutely thrilled that I am pregnant again and that it will help me “get over” Cohen.  I am thrilled, please don’t get me wrong, I am.  But I am also scared.

Very very scared. 

Scared that I am going to carry this baby for 9 months and not be able to bring him or her home.

I love this baby.  I want this baby to know that I love him or her, so much.  I love this baby but I am so scared.  When I think about going through what we did with Cohen again I literally feel sick.  I start to panic.

In the next week or so I should be able to feel this baby move.  This terrifies me.  I know in the beginning it is normal to feel the baby move one day and not the next but it just seems so scary.  How will I know if it is just normal or if the baby has died?  I won’t and that scares me.

I feel guilty.  Guilty because if Cohen were here we would not be having this baby (at least not on purpose).  Guilty for not letting myself be fully and 100% excited. 

I feel myself withdrawing from my friends because it is just easier for me to be by myself.  Then to try to explain everything I am feeling, especially when this is supposed to be one of the happiest times in a woman’s life.  Easier for me but probably not very good for me.

These past few weeks have been filled with tears.  So many tears.  There have been happy tears for the new life inside of me and there have been sad tears for my sweet baby boy that I miss so so much.

It has been an emotional 15 weeks.