Tonight while I was in the shower listening to the music on my iPhone the song, “Homesick,” by MercyMe came on. I have heard this song many many times but this time the first line of the song really stuck out to me. The first line is, “Your in a better place I’ve heard a thousand times.”
I know that Cohen is in a better place. I know that given a choice Cohen would choose Heaven over earth. I know he is happy and that he will never have to suffer. He will never know pain. He will never know what it is like to lose someone he loves. His life is perfect.
I know all of this but somehow it doesn’t really make me feel any better.
I still miss my son! I am here and I want my son here with me! I am still hurting. I don’t know heaven. I don’t know what it is like. I can’t picture heaven in my head.
As a mother of young children I know where my children are all the time. They are usually with me but when they aren’t I know where they are. At my mom’s house, my in-law’s, or at school.
I know that Cohen is in heaven but it is not the same.
When Cole and Carson go to my mom’s house I know what my mom’s house looks like. I can picture what they are doing. I can picture them in their beds at my mom’s. I can picture them playing in her living room.
I can’t do that with Cohen. I have never been to heaven. I don’t really know what it looks like.
I usually know what Cole and Carson are doing. Even if they aren’t with me with me I have an idea of what they are doing. When Cole is at school I know he is learning things and playing with his friends. When they are at my mom’s house I talk to my mom and find out what they are doing and what the plans are for the day. When they are in their classes at church they are learning and playing.
I have no idea what Cohen is doing. None at all. I can imagine what he is doing but I don’t really know what people do in heaven. I have no idea if what I am imagining is even close to what he is really doing.
I know who Cole and Carson are with. I know that when Cole is at school he is with his teachers and with his friends. When they go somewhere I know who is going to be there. Who they are going to be playing with. Who they are talking to.
I don’t know who Cohen is with. I know he is with God and Jesus. I know he is with my grandfather, my husband’s sister, and our friends son. But there are a lot of people in heaven and I obviously don’t know them all.
I don’t even really know what Cohen looks like! I don’t know if he is a baby or if he is older. I don’t know if he can run and dance and play.
It is my job as a mom to know these things. It is my responsibility know where my kids are, what they are doing, and who they are with.
It is extremely hard for me to not know these things. I am supposed to know! It’s not natural for me not to know.
I want to know these things. I want to know what my son is doing! I want to know what he can do! I want to know what he looks like!
But I will! One day I will know all of these things! But waiting is hard and frustrating and it hurts.