Warning: This post is kind of all over the place! It is mostly about how I have been this past week and somethings that I have been thinking but they don’t necessarily all fit together!
This past week has been pretty good (with the exception of last night where I completely fell apart in the shower).
Carson turned 3 this week. I can’t believe he is three already and it makes me a little sad that he really isn’t a baby anymore. How did he grow up so fast?! I feel like was just yesterday we brought him home. Now he is an opinionated, sweet, funny, silly, kind, loving, talkative, sensitive, snugly, wants to be just like his brother three-year old. I would love to see him with Cohen. I know he would have loved Cohen so much and smothered him with love. We celebrated with a Thomas party. Carson was so excited although you couldn’t really tell by looking at him. While Cole is very outwardly expressive, Carson is not and while he smiled and played with his friends, he didn’t have that, I am so excited I can’t sit still or stop talking and running around, expression of excitement that Cole has. It is fun to see them growing up and seeing how alike they are and how different they are. I always wonder who Cohen would be more like.
Cole had his last preschool program last week. I was so proud of him and how well he did. He is certainly a performer. I can’t believe that he is going to be in kindergarten next year. He is so excited and ready to go. I will be lucky if I even get a kiss goodbye before he runs into the school he is so ready. I on the other hand am feeling especially anxious about him going. At the meeting we went to for his school they were talking about how to help a child that has anxiety about going to school and all I could think was that they needed to be telling me how to deal with my anxiety about sending him to school. I know that the likelihood of something happening to him is slim but the reality that we can lose a child is fresh in my mind. Statistics mean nothing to me anymore. It was a 1 in 800 chance that we would lose Cohen the way we did which comes out to something like a 0.125% chance. Being that one in whatever number has become real to us. At the same time I know I cannot live in fear of what could happen and that I need to relax and not let Cole know how truly scared I am to send him to school.
I weighed in at my weight loss challenge and I had lost 1.6 pounds for a total of 21 pounds in 16 weeks! Weight is something I have always struggled with and when I am depressed it is even worse. Right after we lost Cohen I didn’t eat hardly anything which is not healthy. Not eating anything soon turned into I am depressed and I am going to eat whatever I want to and try to make myself feel better. It was almost like I was out of control and had the mind-set, I lost my son so I deserve to enjoy this entire pan of brownies (during one particularly down day my cousin and I did in fact eat a whole pan of brownies, just the two of us, I don’t even think we shared with our kids!). Of course that didn’t work because number one the only thing that is really going to make me feel better is having Cohen back and number two I ended up feeling even worse because not only had I lost my son but I had also gained a ton of weight. I feel like I am now at a place where I have my eating somewhat under control and even allow myself a small brownie every now and then.
I started exercising which is something I have never done and surprisingly it does seems to help lift my mood. I never really believed people when they said working out helped them feel better because whenever I would go for a walk or do any type of exercise I would just feel tired and want to sleep. But now that I am doing it 3 to 5 times a week I do actually feel better.
This week I started trying to potty train Carson for the third time. This has been especially challenging because he has Toddler’s Diarrhea (which basically means he has diarrhea almost all of the time and poops between 3 and 4 times a day). I feel bad for him because he does do really good peeing. The poop on the other hand has been out of control and I am pretty tired of cleaning up messes!
This week I met my cousin’s son for the first time. He was born in August, two months after we lost Cohen and until now I didn’t feel like I could meet him. It was too hard to go to family things and see him going through all the firsts that Cohen should have been going through. To see my family fight over who would hold him and make a big deal over him, which they should be doing but it doesn’t make it any less hard. I have missed my cousin and his wife and I am hoping that we continue to get together. I am so glad that I got to talk to her and explain that it wasn’t that we don’t love them or their family but it was just too hard for us. To explain that it isn’t as hard for me to see their son outside of family gatherings and that I would love to get together with her again. I am so thankful for her understanding and her kindness!
My wonderful husband told me yesterday that he had gotten me a plane ticket to go to Nebraska. A really good friend of mine moved out there almost 2 years ago and I have been begging to go ever since. Not only am I going to Nebraska to visit my friend but I am going ALONE! This has me very excited and a little scared. One, I hate to fly. Like seriously hate to fly. But I will get over that because as much as I hate to fly I want to see my friend more. Two, I have never been away from my kids and my husband for that amount of time. I have been away from my husband for a week with the kids and I have been away from the kids with my husband but never all of them at the same time.
I have been thinking a lot this past week about how I want to tell people we lost Cohen. I would like to say he died at birth even though he died before that. I feel like when I tell some people that he was stillborn they kind of brush it off like it isn’t that big of a deal. But it is a big deal!! I carried him for 38 and a half weeks. We had come so far in the pregnancy and fully expected to be bringing home a healthy baby. In a matter of a few minutes that was taken from us and we were and are completely crushed. Just because he never took a breath outside of me doesn’t mean he didn’t matter and wasn’t important and something we can just get over and move on from. Cohen was and still is a big part of our family even though he isn’t here.
This past week I have been thinking a lot about what I want to do for Cohen’s one year. I can’t believe that has almost been a year since our world got turned upside down. For Cohen’s one year I would like to have a celebration of remembrance for him. We would be planning a first birthday party if he were here and I want to do something for Cohen. I’m not sure of everything and haven’t started planning anything yet but I have lots of ideas. I know I want to be with people on that day who love us and love Cohen and that I don’t want to be alone because if I am alone I might fall to pieces (I might fall to pieces even if I am not alone but at least then I will have people there to help me up).
Overall this week was a good week. It had its bumps and I still thought about Cohen every single day. I still cried for Cohen everyday. But overall it was good and this tells me that I am slowly healing. Because not too long ago I was counting the good days, before that the good hours, and before that the good minutes and having a whole week be good seemed impossible. So I feel like I am slowly healing, healing but never ever forgetting.