Today has been hard. After mom’s group this morning I went to visit Cohen’s grave. It is close to eight months since we have lost Cohen and we still don’t have a headstone for him. What do you say on a headstone for your baby? How do you put everything you want to say onto a small stone? This is what will be there forever and I want our words on his stone to mean something, to be important, and to be special and unique to Cohen. Not only that but I am also angry that I have to do this. I’m not supposed to be trying to figure out what to write on my son’s grave, I am supposed to be trying to keep him from crawling down the steps, eating Legos, and destroying my house. So we have put it off, not wanting to think about it.
Today has been hard. The weather outside was warm but also rainy and wet. The weather always plays a part in how I am feeling. When ever the weather is cloudy and gray I always think of the song, “You Are My Sunshine.” I found out not long ago that there is a second verse to that song. I feel that the second verse belongs to Cohen and I. I sang it to him in the hospital just moments before the undertaker came to take him away from me. It goes like this:
The other night dear
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
When I awoke dear
I was mistaken
And I hung
(Copyright Peer International Corporation 1940)
Today has been hard. There are days when my arms literally ache to hold Cohen. Today was one of those days. My arms hurt, my heart hurts, everything hurts. I miss him. I miss who he would be. I miss his smile even though I never saw it and I miss his laugh even though I never heard it. Some days I long to be in Heaven with my son, to see him, to see his eyes for the very first time. Today was one of those days.
Today has been hard. Today hurt. But I made it through another day.
I go to Target way too much. I spend way too much time and money there. I love Target. But based on what happened the last time I was there with my kids I think they are trying to embarrass me out of going there again!
It started like all shopping trips to Target. The boys begging for smoothies and me just trying to get in the door and get a cart. We had just walked in the door when Cole announces that he needs to go to the bathroom. No surprise there, he has to go to the bathroom every single time we go to Target, but at least he said he had to go before we got to the back of the store this time. We go into the bathroom and I decide that this would be a good time for me to also use the bathroom and take care of some feminine issues. I tell Cole to go into one stall and I will be in another stall with Carson.
Carson and I get into our stall and I give him the talk about not touching anything and to stand still while I go to the bathroom. The bathroom was fairly empty at that point and I hear Cole finish and ask him if he is ok. He calls back to me that he is fine and that he is washing his hands. I was looking down and looked up to find the stall door wide open and Carson gone.
By that time several women had come into the bathroom. I was thankful that I was in the end stall so that not many people were walking by. Thankful that is until I realized that a row of mirrors lined the opposite wall and that anyone looking into a mirror could see me!
I was at a point where I couldn’t quickly pull up my pants and be done so I yelled at Cole to come shut the door and for Carson to get back in the stall. Cole comes over and starts swinging on the door like a little monkey. That was not really what I meant when I told him to close the door and I told him very sternly to shut the door and leave it shut. The door stops swinging and I see my five year old son standing there with a look of horror on his face. “MOM,” he shrieked, “Is that BLOOD?” I asked him to please shut the door. Finally he shut the door but continued to yell, “But mom was that blood? Was that blood? Mom, mom, mom, was that blood?” I assured him that I was in fact fine and that everything was ok. I quickly finished up and swung open the door. I saw Cole standing there by the door still looking a little concerned. I walked over to wash my hands. At this point there were people waiting in line to use the bathroom. I turned to see a little old lady waiting in line. She looked at me and said, “They were being so good.” “WHAT,” I thought. She must have missed all the excitement! At that point I look past her to see my darling little Carson rolling, yes rolling, on the bathroom floor. I finished washing my hands, scooped my son up off the floor, and exited the bathroom.
I went shopping that day not realizing that while most of the women in that bathroom would not recognize me they would most definitely recognize my dear children.